Back when I was slightly younger there was a song I used to sing along with on the radio - "Anticipation" by Carly Simon. Later (but before it became a Heinz Ketchup commercial) I even went out and bought the album. Carly Simon's lyrics seemed to mirror many of the feelings I had growing up and she quickly became one of my favorite recording artists.
Unlike most of the topics explored in Simon's early albums, anticipation is one feeling I still haven't outgrown. It always feels good to finish a painting or a poem, a story, a chapter -- to take something as far as I artistically can. The problem comes with getting ready for the next story, the next chapter, the next painting. I get fidgety and high strung like a sprinter waiting in the starting blocks for the crack of the gun. If I'm getting ready to paint I might clean around my easel, scrape down my palette and squeeze out a fresh array of colors, sharpen my pencils in anticipation of a future drawing or go for a walk. When I'm getting ready to write, I'll assemble the reference books I might need, spend extra time on my background notes or character sketches, work a little more on my rough outline - anything to delay the act of putting my butt in the chair and writing. Once I settle in, however, I'm usually fine.
Maybe it's the transition that's hard to deal with -- the anticipation of change coupled with the hope that maybe this will be a breakthrough painting or a defining chapter in my character's story. Maybe it's the fear that I'll fail miserably. Not that failure is bad. I just finished a portrait that I refuse to share with anybody outside of my painting class. It's dreadful and far below my standards but I did, I admit, learn a lot by doing it. It was, to put it nicely, a learning experience.
Nearly everything we do by our own creative energy should be a learning experience. And if it isn't then what's the point?
3 comments:
I've learned so much since I started writing. The worst/best of it is what I've learned about myself in the process. Somedays I like what I've learned. Other days ... well, not so much.
I agree, though, that bombing at something can often be the best way to learn.
Maybe it's the fear that I'll fail miserably.
I know that feeling all too well. I used to be terrified to continue, for fear that I would ruin something I had already crafted so well. How could I possibly keep that up? It can only go downhill from here, right? I don't know why I thought unfinished perfection could ever compete with the process itself. What I did learn is that it all means something, no matter how far you end up straying from where you began or how much of a mess you think you've made of it. It's a process. You have to participate in it, not just stand by and hold your breath.
So here I am, one novel done and a second one in revision. I have learned so very much and improved my craft and multiplied my love for it beyond any expectations I had before.
So Rock On, sister!
I'm impressed that both of you have actually finished a novel! For me it's still a daunting task. I've written 65 pages so far. I know that doesn't sound like much but it's the longest thing I've ever written. And I really have learned a lot so far about characterization, plotting, etc.
Thanks for the input, ladies. I needed that boost. I'd been feeling somewhat lost.
I wrote a poem about June for the SCBWI contest and emailed it to them this morning. Not that I expect it will win but the process of sitting down to write helped me get going on my novel again too.
Anyhow, onward and upward (I hope).
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